Giving Porn the Flick – Part 1

pornography-addictionHi, my name isn’t really Ben D Piper, that’s kind of what I do at work, but I am a porn addict.

I’m just your average Aussie bloke who drives a ute, likes a beer, watches the footy and works in a job that allows me constant access to the Internet either at my desk, or on my company supplied smartphone.

I’m 46 years old, have three youngish kids and a wife who knows nothing about what I do.

My first introduction to sex was when I was a teenager back in the early 80’s. It wasn’t a sly grope at a party or a romantic night out, it was a magazine. Actually it was more than one.

Penthouse, Playboy, Mayfair, Ribald, they were all avariciously devoured and I kept them well hidden from my parents out in the shed.

I went to an all boys school and as a result, girls were a total mystery to me. I had only one brother and he was, and still is, a bit of a write off. His drug of choice is alcohol and for decades he’s fallen off many a wagon. My drug of choice rapidly became porn.

I was uncomfortable and clumsy around women. I could never gather the courage to even ask one out, let alone take the next step into a physical relationship.

Once school was over and I was a healthy and randy 18 year old, I hit the pubs in search of loving but my attempts were futile. I’m not grotesque or obese, far from it. I just didn’t get the whole relationship thing and I always had a fallback anyway. Porn.

In the 80’s AIDS was an issue also. Casual sex had become such a huge risk that I was petrified of catching it. Even prostitutes were crossed off the list.

So it was in the dark and seedy theatres of St Kilda and in the sex shops of Melbourne that I found relief.

In retrospect the thrill was almost as good as the real sex I eventually had, in fact in many ways it was much, much better.

Part adrenaline, part Catholic guilt I wandered at night searching for the best magazines, watched movies in dank theatres, naked women danced only feet away. It was an intoxicating brew that I have kept secret for decades. In my locker at the tyre store I worked in I had stacks of hardcore swedish magazines. I told no one and snuck them in and out in my old gym bag.

porn addictionThen at 23, and still a virgin, I met a woman. A woman who I just clicked with. I was shy, she was talkative, I had university educated friends, her’s were more down to earth. I was aloof, arrogant and secretly desperate for a real relationship, she was pragmatic and although a touch insecure, she was confident.

When we had sex for the first time it was fantastic. Unlike myself, she was experienced and I lied to her about my own sexual history. As far as she knew, I was a stud. My only training was in mimicking the actions that I had seen on a screen.

But still I used porn. Even then in the late 80’s, when porn was locked away in seedy establishments that were no doubt owned by organised crime, I felt compelled to spend at least one day a week, always checking over my shoulder for anyone that may know me, as I snuck into yet another ‘Adult lounge’.

Soon though I discovered that she hated porn. A staunch feminist she found porn degraded women and I had to agree, it did, but I still watched it.

We married and toured New Zealand, travelling like true adventurers I was porn free for three weeks and I barely noticed.

Then we hit the road in a big way travelling Asia, Europe and South America. In Europe I would sneak out and visit the adult stores that seemed to be on every corner. They even sold hardcore porn in corner shops. I was in heaven. We lived and worked in Germany for six months during which I routinely told my wife I was working late in the bar, when in reality I was sitting back watching German porn.

When my wife discovered she was pregnant we returned home and because we had no money at all, we moved to the country.

Her parents lived in Seymour in Victoria and I found myself living in a small porn free town where very quickly, everyone knew who I was.

After two years of travel, and coming back fresh from my porn filled working holiday, I was frustrated by a lack of opportunity to buy porn. I would tell my wife that I needed to travel the 100 kilometres to Melbourne to visit my own friends and family. I did visit them but also snuck in many visits to buy videos and magazines with money we didn’t really have.

Then we had our first, and soon after our second child, and yet I still managed to find money to spend on porn. I knew what I was doing was financially bad for us but I just had to do it.

Then came the internet and the game changed.

That though will be covered in my next article about Internet porn and my rapid decline into depression and erectile dysfunction.

In the meantime I’m going cold turkey and as of my submitting this article I’ve been porn free for only three days. So far it’s been easy but I haven’t hit any of my triggers just yet. More about those in the future also.

If you have any comments or advice please use the comments box below. The email address I have submitted, like my name, is false.

 

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One comment

  1. If you’re still looking for more information about porn addiction and/or the effects of it, or just looking for more reasons to give it up… I’d personally recommend checking out http://www.yourbrainonporn.com
    The way I’d summarize that site would be… They say masturbation has its benefits, but what are the benefits of abstaining from the practice?
    It basically tells you a lot about how porn can affect your mind & body.

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Article by: Ben Piper