Ever since I seriously started growing veggies back in the late 80’s, thanks to the recession we had to have, I’ve never sat down and thought about what, in the gardening world, I could change.
So here are my inaugural New Year’s Gardening Resolutions.
1. I’m going to stick to one method, and one method only, of trussing my tomatoes. I will not spend endless hours watching children effortlessly truss up tomatoes in some European field. They’re probably the child slaves of some truss obsessed photographer / web designer.
2. I won’t grow things that I never eat. Take that kale and chicory. Apparently Kale is all that gorillas eat, hasn’t done them a world of good has it? Not only have they not evolved into humans, they’re bordering on the edge of extinction. Pass me the silverbeet please.
3. I will clean the chooks water tub well before it develops its own ecosystem and is protected as a fauna reserve by ECCO.
4. I will spray my plants to eliminate mildew. It’s mildew Mark, if you had it growing on your body you’d douse yourself in Copper Sulphate until you looked like The Hulk.
5. I will make my own fertiliser. No, I won’t be, you know, in the veggie patch, that’s just wrong and probably illegal, but I will be soaking the dandelions in a large tub with some sheep and chook poo etc and making a very, very fragrant tea.
6. I will pay no heed to those who subscribe to conspiracy theories about multinational companies wanting to stop gardeners from swapping seed. Anyway, I have all my seeds in a foil wrapped box so that ‘they’ can’t see them from the satellite.
7. I won’t gloat about my produce on social media. Except when someone else does and mine are better.
8. I’ll give carrots one more go. If you come out looking like some freakish, diseased Orc’s hand I’ll just have to listen to my own advice for once.
9. I will get over my repulsion on the sight of a clump of aphids. I had a dream once that I had them eating into the back of my hand. Now you will too. Enjoy that dream.
10. I won’t let my Asian greens go to seed before I get a chance to eat them. Seriously, where do they grow those ones you get at the grocers? In a lab somewhere I imagine with some of those computer thingies timing the exact moment when there is more leaf than flower.