Based on a True Story.
So, I’m at the gym today doing weights. I’m wearing my fave new Sony waterproof Walkman mp3, reasonably priced and available in Australia, earphones and I am blasting my brain with high energy drum and bass beats and pumping iron like a maniac. It’s like a nightclub in my head. Except in this club I don’t get kicked out for laying on my back and making grunting noises at the ceiling. I have just launched into a particularly strenuous bar bending set of ‘skull crushers’. The carotid veins are throbbing in my neck, my face is contorted, left eye popping and grimacing Schwarzenegger style when… queue the next song on my Walkman… “Girls just wanna have fun”. And I laugh, expunging precious oxygen, I lose it and collapse.
Ok wait a sec, time out. While I admire Cindy Lauper and her contribution to female autonomy in a male biased rock world what I need right now is for Cindy to come and grab this bar off my face. Oh Christ I’m thinking, I hope no one else in this testosterone packed gym can hear the tinny “they just wanna” chorus emanating from the spectacular quality headphones, nicely rounded bass response and a tough yet elegant design. How the hell did that get on there? I am thinking doubly about the song and also about the weighty bar that has now rolled off my head onto the soft and yielding flesh of my neck.
I don’t even own any Cindy Lauper songs. “Cin dee law pah!” I plead, weakly, like superman crushed by kryptonite. Gasping for breath I make a desperate last ditch effort to fling the bar triumphantly into the air only to find it comes hurtling back down angrily onto my gonads. “The phone rings in the middle of the night my mother says watcha gonna do with your life… “.
I’m sitting upright now. And although my manhood is being squeezed flat by a 140 pound rolling pin I have used this brief opportunity to use one free hand to scratch and claw the headphones from my ears like I am batting away an attacking hornet. I perform a Hollywood stunt man sideways leap from the bench like I am escaping an exploding car. The bar crashes to the ground and rolls off malevolently towards an amused looking female staff member. She halts it with her foot “Need a spotter?” she says.